he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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