I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
