After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize