swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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