I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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