I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
