I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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