When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
even my farts smell like vagina
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
