We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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