Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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