Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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