my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
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But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
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nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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