I bet he comes in French.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
