I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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