so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
