Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Im part way to drunk.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
