The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
