you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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