but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
