i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
