I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
