I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
You're like the curious george of whores
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
