I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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