If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
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I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
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I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Two words: nipple clamps
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