he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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