I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
