I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
