Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
