Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
