dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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