guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
