my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Randomize
