never play flip cup with pint glasses
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
