Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
