i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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