My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
