My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Randomize
