finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
