does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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