i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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