So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
