If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Two words: nipple clamps
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
