Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
