Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
