I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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