One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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