You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
this hospital has no fireball
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
