i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
he high fived his dick after we had sex
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
