Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
