I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
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i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
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I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize