she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Randomize
