your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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