My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
