Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
