I just saw a hot homeless man
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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