You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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