I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
