i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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