i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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