i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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