you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You can't just leave with hair like that
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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