at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
